April 1st, 2025Kyle’s Rant

I really need to drop the kids off at the pool, build a log cabin, drop anchor, grow a tail, lay some cable, let the dogs out… you know, do a number  two.  

But I am not allowed. Not for six months now.  And, one day, in the near future, it just ain’t going to be pretty. I have Hepburn Shire Council to blame.  Last year I diligently jumped through hoops, made my way through obstacles and asked “how high, sir?” so HSC would allow me to turn one bit of land into two.  

One of the headscratchers was a water garden,  pictured, which was insisted on by one of the many officers who float in and out of  employment in the hallowed halls of HSC’s planning office.  

But it’s not entirely true that we had to install said water garden, we were, in fact,  given a choice. The first was to install a water garden which is a soak pit for the tank  overflow, if any.

Historically the overflow had been making its way out to large gutters  in the main street of Glenlyon for more than 150 years.  

The second was to put $5000 into the council coffers. I kid you not. The garden  was obviously the cheaper option but even if it wasn’t I would have rather paid  $10,000 for the garden than donated to the council’s Christmas party.  

But back to my toilet tantrum.  Part of the deal was to close off my septic pit, one that never gave any trouble and  was in perfect working order. But I am for tweaking things especially when it comes  to environmental issues.  

So, I dropped a further $14,000 on a new fandangled septic system in September  last year which the good people from Ballan Plumbing installed in a day with little  interruption.

The paperwork was quickly expedited to the body that made me install  the thing in the first place, yes, HSC, along with a command that we don’t use the  toilet until they sign off on it.  That was in September and it is now March. A long wait for a long drop. WTF.  

Meanwhile, the latest big council news is that HSC are asking for more rate  money, in fact a 10 per cent hike from all ratepayers. But I have to pose a question – if we hand over more money to HSC will anything change?

Ten per cent is a lot of  extra money to find and I am sure they need it, but so do I.  I am not sure what the alternative is to handing over the money because I can’t  see another council absorbing our debt and issues. Who would want that? Macedon  Ranges? Mt Alexander?

So, what happens if the HSC can no longer afford to keep  the lights on and no neighbouring council wants to pick us up?

Would the state  government have to step in and find commissioners to get us back in the black?

And how did all this start? Well, it is no secret that the Inspectorate report has  been leaked all over Facebook by “Council Watch” and most of the answers are there.  

We have had it in our possession for a couple of years but given some of the  litigious players in the report and a sense of self-preservation for our small newspaper  we haven’t been able to release it into the public domain.  

As we always said it is a very interesting read. And I am sure that a lot of the  planning criteria was fast-tracked. I bet they didn’t have to install a water garden or  wait six months to go for a poo.  If you see me around, be kind and don’t give me the shits.  Won’t be pretty, rant over….