April 13th, 2026Kyle’s Rant

After a long break of not going to the movies – something to do with a broken ankle – the other day we went and watched a movie over in the Palace Regent Cinemas in Ballarat.
Now there’s not much I have to do to convince Donna to go. She thinks any movie is just a vehicle to get to enjoy buttery popcorn and sit in the dark away from my rambling theories. Sort of how pork is just a vehicle for the crunchy crackling – she doesn’t like pork but devours the crackling.
For me it’s certainly the buttery popcorn and the lemonade drink to wash down the fat and salt. But the faster and more action the better, and this one fitted the bill.
Crime 101 where old mate Chris Hemsworth’s character drives several high-performance vehicles including a Chrysler 300, a Dodge Challenger, a 1968 Camaro with a big-block engine, and a Cadillac CT5-V – schwing….
As we sat down in what used to be the Gold Class, and was clearly a worn shadow of its former self with most of the sticky recliners barely working, I smeared the footrest button with sanitiser to ensure a safe hygienic journey from the popcorn box to my mouth.
But the decadent delicacy did not deliver – unfortunately the vegans had invaded the joint and it was cooked with oil. Yuk.
This white anaemic pop of corn was so bland the herbivores had obviously recognised the fault and decided to bomb it with salt. Good heavens, woe betide we eat a little natural butter, but let’s go for the salt-infused cardiac arrest.
And to add lots of salt to serious injury, my wax-surfaced large paper cup with a plastic lid came with a paper straw which immediately imploded like a submarine in a war movie.
It is ridiculous that we no longer can enjoy proper popcorn with our movies because a vegan (who are estimated to be just five per cent of the population) might wander by and want olive oil popcorn.
I respect your right to be a grass grazer, but it is your choice not mine so give me back my buttered popcorn, made how nature intended it.
And as far as this bloody stupid paper straw business is concerned, sure let’s ban the plastic straws but not before you come up with a good alternative.
Here I am sucking up bits of paper through an imploded straw in an effort to save the planet while Trump and Iran are bombing the shit out of each other spilling God knows how much effluent and oil into the land and Strait of Hormuz.
Doesn’t make sense rant over…