June 6th, 2026Kyle’s Rant

The latest firebombings in Melbourne are a scary and real thing and threaten once again to push residents out of the CBD.

A quick look back at history in America reveals the same tactics – firebombings to businesses with a balance in damage so they can still trade but know they are being threatened. And for those who pay attention, there are serious modern gang tactics at play here which are quite brazen.
Back in the old days in places like Chicago in the 1950s, where the gangs took over the unions and standover tactics were brutal (not that I was around), you at least knew your enemy. They would get about with names like Hammer, Lefty or Tommy Two Fingers. These days it’s most likely the modern gig economy which is basically digital platforms whose business model relies on matching independent contractors with temporary, on-demand jobs or tasks via apps. You can be a boss of a large gang of hoodlums as long as you have the money.
The trouble is, for guys like Lefty threatening people was an art, these days you don’t know what sort of imbecile you’re getting. Case in point is the luxury car dealership in Melbourne that three ratbags set on fire. In case you missed it, to be a good standover merchant you need to strike the balance between a threat and keeping the place open for business. And these bandits caused over half a million dollars of damage to a couple of Aston Martins.
And that’s the problem, you just can’t get reliable criminals on an encrypted messaging app, or can you? Is there a rating service where the villains have to say how good they are, maybe they have categories similar to Air Tasker. Communication: Did they keep you updated? Did they reply to your messages promptly and clearly? Punctuality: Did the tasker show up on time and complete the task within the agreed-upon timeframe? Eye for detail: Did they pay attention to your specific instructions and follow the task description accurately? Efficiency: Did they work quickly and effectively without compromising the quality of the work? Or in the case of Crime Tasker questions like: Was the unlawful lad on time? Did they clean up after themselves? Maybe if accelerant was used, did the bad guys accidentally set themselves on fire?
And what about the gangster doing the hiring, would they get rated as in when you are hiring someone on Air Tasker. Were they clear with their instructions? Were they honest about how long the job would take? Was the location of the job accurate?
All jokes aside, there are too many young people who are looking to earn a few bob and taking on these jobs firebombing businesses and homes in order to send a message from their bosses of “pay up or shut up shop”.
I have had a few instances with accelerant fires that didn’t end well. One of the latest was with a handful of sparklers on NYE a couple of years ago at TL HQ, where the liquid magnesium dripped under the deck and caught leaf debris on fire. A quick-thinking mate doused the flames with beer. Meanwhile I saved my burning heel, which had also come into contact with the magnesium, by submerging it into the s-bend of the toilet.
The next was an outside fire that didn’t take off. I loaded it with petrol and then made a petrol creek as a fuse. Don’t do this at home, kids. After quite a few attempts I finally got it going with a sound akin to a sonic wave reverberating through my body.
Low flashpoint accelerants are difficult to work with and it is apparent with the video footage of these young people. One day soon some bright spark will stitch all this footage together of trainee villains catching alight, throw a Benny Hill soundtrack in the background and make bank on YouTube. Boyband gang rant over…