By Donna Kelly

I enjoy travel as much as imparting a cautionary tale. So you can’t imagine my joy at our latest travel adventure. Hmmm.  

After four years of Covid we were off on a cruise to Central America, a bucket list for Kyle if you will, as a confirmed boatie and someone who has always wanted to see the Panama Canal in action.

So off we went. Not cheap, but Mum left me some money in her will when we  lost her in 2020, well she died, and I always thought it would be a good idea to spend it on travel.  

Mum loved travel and we took her on a number of bucket lists, Iceland and Russia, and we had booked a 2020 trip to Japan, Hong Kong and China, but we all  know how that worked out. Stupid Covid.

Anyway, I felt we had Mum’s blessing to spend the inheritance on a once-in-a lifetime trip to America and beyond.  And it was an amazing voyage. But not without a few hiccups. As seems to be the  case. I think as a journo I attract issues. Not sure.  

Our first little blip was arriving at the airport, all excited and being asked if we had our ESTA – an Electronic System for Travel Authorization. So you don’t need a visa for the US.  Now I had read all about it and knew that as Australians we didn’t need a visa but  I didn’t know I needed a waiver so I didn’t need a visa.

But the woman at Air New  Zealand knew because when she heard we didn’t have one she simply said: “Well, you can’t go.” And that was that. I kid you not.  

They can take up to three days or 72 hours if you count slowly and our plane was leaving in two. So we hotfooted it to a travel agent over the way who said it might  come through in less. She helped us fill out the form, took some money from us and  said she would be in touch. FFS.  

Meanwhile, distraught, we decided we would fly to at least NZ, our stopover, and maybe end up having a few weeks there. The OK for the US came after we had checked our luggage and while we were in the security queue. Safe. Off we went, all smiles again. Doesn’t take much to make us happy. 🙂

Next little hiccup was feeling a bit average about a week before the cruise ended.  So off I popped to the ship’s medical centre for an antibiotic. Too easy. At 59 I know my health. Not as much as them apparently.  

Over that day and the next I was given a Covid/influenza/RSV nasal swab and a urine test for legionnaire’s disease – both clear, then a chest x-ray which showed I probably had pneumonia, despite no cough, and needed morning and night rounds of nebulisers, two rounds of intravenous antibiotics, a oral course of antibiotics and steroids, cough mixture, paracetamol and antihistamines.  

I got better really fast – although I nearly had a heart attack when I got the bill for the first day – US $4000. Again, I kid you not. I have not yet opened the bill for the second day. That has the urine sample – who knows what that added. We do have  travel insurance so it should work out – but if not, the crew Christmas party might be a bit low key.  

And now I think about it, I really should have gone for extras. Maybe asked for a quick tummy tuck, or get them to take care of that ingrown toe nail, perhaps a routine colonoscopy. I mean, in for a penny, in for US$20,000, said no-one ever.  

Oh, almost last thing. Our vaccination doctor talked us out of yellow fever vaccinations but coming back through border patrol they were a little unhappy with our decision not to bother. “If you feel sick, tell your doctor,” were the final words.  Not sure I ever want to see a doctor again though, just sayin’…  

The really last thing. This (below) was a dessert one night. Is it just me? Or, well, you know. Are they having a lend and laughing their heads off out the back as the passengers bite into this. Not sure…

The trip’s finale  

We flew into LA a few weeks ago and my first thought was tipping the staff. This is a costly consideration considering the exchange rate and the 20 per cent of the  bill expected.

This is some weird business idea that just wouldn’t work in Australia because firstly our minimum wage for casual employees is $28 per hour and we tip if we are treated right or have had a good time with friends.

But in the good old USA where the minimum wage is as low as $2.50 per hour and veteran barkeeps and cocktail shaker artists can expect the withering tops of $12 per hour, they need tips.  

Another thing I don’t like about America is it’s full of Americans, who from my first impressions seem to be a bit piggish and selfish in their behaviours. I mean who blows their nose on a linen napkin at a restaurant?

Well, it turns out a good portion do. They are also loud and they talk the talk in terms of Christian behaviour and ethics but it seems to me that they would rather walk over each other than walk the walk.  

Things I like about America are limited but extend to their attitudes to dogs which can stay at hotels and fly with you. I also like the airplane seatbelts that could strap in an elephant and, even for me, leave an 18-inch tail after I am buckled in.  

Hotel rooms that you could swing half a dozen cats are great, and finally when the airplane docks, it isn’t a surprise to the groundcrew. A skybridge instantly appears and everyone gets off quick sticks.

Our trip through Central America came to a sad end when we found ourselves transferring through Auckland Airport and accidentally cut the queue. We and a couple of others had followed signs to the transfer which led to us blending into the queue.

We were quickly told by an American to go to the back which by this time was about 200 deep. She proclaimed it wasn’t fair, my retort was “you are quite right,  you have had your say and it’s now time to keep quiet, it was an accident”.  

Most of these countries in CA are poor, dirt poor and that is evidenced by the dirt that makes up their floors, the lack of amenities and stuff like running water that we all take for granted.

You won’t get to see that from a resort or a tour but deviate slightly from the promenades and boardwalks put there as welcome mats for the tourists, and you will get the picture. It doesn’t seem to matter where you go: Antigua, Costa Rica, Columbia or Panama, the story is the same, most of the folks out here are impoverished, living day-to-day.

And it galvanises my opinion that Australia is certainly the land of milk and honey with social services that offer a safety net.  Finally, we have arrived home and it feels good. I am tired.

Now I have been tired before, so tired as an 18-year-old deckhand after a gruelling 60 hours straight on the fish, steaming for an hour to pick up a longline set.

It was summer in the far north of New Zealand, breeding time for the snappers and huge pay cheques for the fisherman, but you had to work long and hard. I was in wet-weather gear but it was wetter on the inside than the out due to the roughness of the sea.

I lay on the deck, the lower half awash with the ocean, the upper half in the wheelhouse soaking up the heat from the engine until those dreaded words shattered my sleep “standby, standby” as we arrived at the fishing grounds.  

But I can’t recall being so tired that while having a pee last night, leaning on a wall, I fell asleep midstream until one of my legs gave way and woke me up. Such is the tiredness I experienced after our whirlwind trip to Central America and back.  Travel rant over…   

“Travelling – it leaves you speechless, then turns you into a  storyteller.” – Ibn Battuta  

This is very true of our recent trip to America and Central  America. There were many moments where we were  speechless but we now have many tales to tell.  

Our trip started in Australia, read about almost not going thanks to a small mistake, on page 27, but then we were off.  First to New Zealand and then Los Angeles where we boarded  the good ship Norwegian Jewel for many amazing ports.  

First up was San Diego followed by Mexico, Guatemala, Costa Rica, Panama, Columbia and the Cayman Islands.  Every stop was an eye-opener and to be truthful what really stood out to me was the abject poverty of Central America and then the juxtaposition of us stepping back onto a cruise ship with hot and cold running everything.  

While the residents of Central America lead their lives with below poverty line wages, lack of fundamental basics, some living in cardboard shacks, others wheeling people with disabilities  hoping to be handed a few American bucks, we and other passengers had all we could want.  

So much food that a lot was just thrown out, bottles of drinking water, sparkling pools for a casual dip, a river of alcohol coming out of the myriad bars, music to dance the night away and staff, also mostly from the poorer countries of the world, ready to clean our rooms and wish us Good Morning, Good Day and Good Night.  

Don’t get me wrong, I love cruising, but I don’t like myself for loving it so much. Yes, you can tip people and hand over a few dollars here and there, but you won’t make a difference in anyone’s life. And that is just the truth.  

So is travel a good thing. I guess it allows you to look into the real world, if you take the time, and we had some great conversations with people around the region.  

We do try and take the time to find locals to chat with and support their enterprises, not just end up where the tourists are taken to be shaken down with what I imagine are some hefty  kickbacks.  

So, just a few of our conversations.  We chatted to one female bartender in Guatemala who told us honestly, despite our tour guide saying they had the most  temperate weather in Central America, with a steady 25 degrees  Celsius, that “summer is hell”.  

The bloke who picked us up to take us to our rental car in the Cayman Islands said global warming was destroying his country along with the overdevelopment of the region.

“We used to have lots of bush and forest and now we just have buildings. We will lose even more soon.”  

A waiter on the ship said as we went through the Panama  Canal it was great they had been able to retain plenty of trees and greenery despite flooding the area. It was also good to be able to  provide plenty of employment opportunities, he said.  

A woman employee on the ship, who greeted us most mornings at the restaurant, admired Kyle’s white summery shirt.  Kyle decided to make it a gift and asked if she had a husband. Yes, she said, but her sister was free if needed. Hmmm.

She then told Kyle she would not give it to her husband but instead wear it to bed and think of us. Again, hmmm.  

Another female staffer told us we were working too much, on  day two of trying to get The Local uploaded from a table in her restaurant, and that we needed to “close the office”. She then gave us beer and wine to keep us fortified.  

Finally, a bartender in Tampa, Florida, said if you got angry if you didn’t get a tip, then you were in the wrong game.  

“I could say anything to rub a customer the wrong way, and not even know it, or they could be having a bad day, or maybe  I said something to someone else they didn’t like. You just have to take the day as it comes. Tips are great but we can’t bank on them.”  

It’s an interesting world out there, and great to visit, but I also do like coming home – to what I believe is the best country in the world.  

Words: Donna Kelly. Images: Donna Kelly & Kyle Barnes.