July 26th, 2026Kyle’s Rant

There are people who can fall down a shithole and come up with a gold brick, folks who can never get out of the shit and some of the community who simply drift along through life not giving a shit.

Things seem to happen to certain people, whether it is good luck or bad luck it just is and my particular schtick is medical emergencies. I am the sort of bloke people seem to have accidents around – I have lost count of all the people I have come across over the years and rendered assistance to.
Since the tender age of 17, I have been attending first aid courses – these are mandatory for any member of a commercial boating crew. I’ve witnessed CPR when it was known as ABC or Airway, Breathing, Compressions. Now it’s CAB and compressions come first. The thinking is simple, get the blood moving before you worry about anything else. And if you’re an untrained bystander, even better news is that hands-only CPR is now actively encouraged, which removes the hesitation most people feel about putting their mouth on a stranger.
Defibrillators have also gone mainstream, popping up in shopping centres, gyms and boat ramps worldwide, with voice prompts that walk anyone through the process. You don’t need to be a paramedic. You just need to act.
Choking has had a rethink too. The old rigid rulebooks have given way to something more practical with five sharp back blows, then five abdominal thrusts, alternating until whatever’s lodged either shifts or the person loses consciousness, at which point you go straight into chest compressions. No more hind lick jokes.
Bleeding management has changed the most. Tourniquets were once treated as a last resort because they would cut off circulation to damaged limbs. That thinking has gone. And dousing wounds in chemicals has stopped with clean running tap water the current recommendation.
My worst patient was a guy who decided to fill up his petrol-powered generator. Normally not a problem, however it was running at the time in a small fume-filled shed on an island. I had to swim out to get a phone signal, and it didn’t look good for him. But we got him onto the police boat and did the best we could. I have helped people with broken ankles (in fact two on Donna), dislocated shoulders, lacerations and concussions.
Now I hate being in the spotlight or the centre of attention, and the most embarrassing time I rendered first aid was at a hotel while checking in. A guy came running over asking for assistance. Apparently an elderly lady had tripped down some stairs, so I followed him into what I thought was a stairwell and burst through a set of double doors onto the stage of a packed auditorium. The guy shouted: “it’s okay, the medico is here”, and I wished the floorboards would open up and swallow me whole. It turns out she had plenty of assistance and didn’t need me. Just Triple 0.
Last week I spotted a guy lying on the ground next to his bike. A few people were with him but I decided to stop anyway. And I am glad I did because no one at the site knew how to help. Donna called the ambulance while I rinsed off the wound, gave him a couple of field dressings and checked for head injuries. He ended up OK.
Now I’m not writing this column to blow my own trumpet. I’m writing it because I reckon everyone should be prepared, full stop. Go buy yourself a small first aid kit. Cheap $20-$50, chuck it in the car and forget about it until the day you need it. Do the proper training if you can. Can’t afford it? Fair enough, YouTube will get you the basics for free, and something is infinitely better than nothing. (No one has been sued for trying to render assistance. Not yet, anyway.)
One day, someone’s going to need help, and you’re going to be the one standing there. Wouldn’t you rather be ready than sorry? First aid rant over…