October 13th, 2024Kyle’s Rant

Hepburn Shire Council will have to pull its finger out if it wants to keep visitors to the area. By the end of next year there will be 40 brands of electric vehicles sold in Australia and when they come to our little spot of paradise the EVs will all be vying  for the total of six charge ports we have across our shire.  

The benefits of an electric vehicle (EV) with all the whizzbangery such as the cyborg (Tesla) that calls TL HQ home are overwhelming. But the pecadilloes that the car features are hilarious and sometimes dangerous such as the “phantom braking”.  

Lately the Telsa has been a bit on the nose due to that idiot Musk aligning himself  with that equally idiotic buffoon with a guinea pig for a headpiece, Trump. And it’s all because these big boys like to throw their toys out of the cot when they get pissed  off.  

Musk used to vote exclusively for the Democrats until the Biden administration gave him the cold shoulder out of fear of angering the United Auto Workers union and Tesla is the only non-union automaker in the US.  

So, Musk ran off to the Trump camp with his bounty of Teslas, Starlinks, SpaceX rockets and a thousand other bright ideas. I personally would have kept him in the  Democratic camp, but that’s just me.  

But back to my Tesla. I have given it the benefit of the doubt when it comes to parking because at the dealership you are told that it needs to “learn”.

Well, the lesson  is over mate, after six months jerking around in and out of parking spaces using the old 15-point parking method it is time for you to shine.  

For God’s sake, it’s not as if you need to drive, you are supposed to be in control  of your own wheels and steering system. I point you in the right direction, a nice clear arc into the parking bay and press the park button.  

But no, you have to adjust the wheel and make me look like an idiot as you creep this way and that and finally arrive crooked and discombobulated into my park after two minutes and a dozen or so fast and violent adjustments between forward and  reverse.  

Mr Musk must have had one of his bright ideas when he invented the fart button,  yes that’s right. We get around in a vehicle that suffers from phantom braking and can’t park to save its life, but if you want to generate a juicy fart noise you only have  to push the button.  

And what is this “phantom breaking” I hear you say, this happens when you are  in full auto drive mode cruising along on a freeway at 110kph when there is a car behind you at what is considered a safe distance, and your Tesla sees a 60kph exit  sign, gets confused and bangs on the anchors.  

This quickly closes the distance between you and the car behind, because the two things Teslas are great at is acceleration and braking.  

Don’t get me wrong, the car is fun to drive, it is nothing short of fast and nippy and a handful to keep under the speed limit, and admittedly my issues are first world.  

But if the ground invasion of AI is led by the Tesla, here’s a quick hint. Corner yourself in a parking bay and you’ll have a lot of time to gather your thoughts and  conjure up a counterattack.  

ICE ICE baby rant over…(for those in the know…)