December 25th, 2023Kyle’s Rant

Christmas started way too early this year with the first signs, including mince pies, making their annual debut hot on the heels of the Halloween landfill which wrapped up in early November.

I don’t know how those nice people at the supermarket checkouts keep a smile on their faces and put those bloody hats and reindeer ears on every year. And keep listening to that infuriatingly sickly, looped yuletide music that wafts through the aisles. And a special shoutout to always happy Maree at the Daylesford Coles.

(If I worked in a shop listening to that music I would apply for some sort of post-traumatic stress payout – but that’s just me, a bahhumbugged, emotionally numb bloke that winces at the sight of tinsel.)

Speaking of Coles, the other day while shopping for a bachelor’s handbag in Daylesford I had to brush past a scrawny, potty-mouthed idiot of a woman around the cheese section. It must have been the day she had run out of calm-down medication.

The thing was, that the usually large aisle had been turned into two aisles with Christmas chocolates and other seasonal rubbish, which makes for a close-quarters situation between fellow shoppers.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am the biggest physical distancer around. Particularly post pandemic, I can’t air kiss and hugs are something I do around 3am after a skinful, unless it’s with the wife on the odd auspicious occasion.

So, back to potty-mouth who screeched at me “you had to come down this aisle, didn’t you?” and due to the proximity of the cheese counter being next to the hot chicken counter my retort was “yes, I did”.

She then told me to “fornicate off” and then rudely added something about being fat and a woman’s anatomy. You get the idea. I remained polite. I thought perhaps she was having a bad day and to cheer her up I went with flattery.

And with imitation the sincerest form of flattery my considered response was “fornicate off yourself ”. I might have added “this is my town.”

This would have to be the first time I have ever had this sort of encounter in a supermarket with someone I don’t know. Usually people wait until they know me a little before they tell me to “fornicate off.”

And the only time I have experienced a little bit of argie-bargie was over the last four pack of lavender-scented toilet rolls around the middle of March 2020.

(It was toilet paper war time and there was not a sheet to be found. Until we entered a country store down the coast where a bloke was putting out a stack of the aforementioned lavender toilet rolls. I asked him why he hadn’t nabbed them for himself? Allergies apparently. I hate to think what that meant… but I digress.)

So this is Christmas. The season for peace for all mankind, and womankind, and goodwill for all unless it doesn’t suit you.

And the most magical time of the year keeps on giving with my most recent exposure to a shopping centre.

Santa and his Kodak elves had set up camp in order to snap photos of the line-up of little darlings perched on his lap. How is that still legal?

Anyway, one of the little cherubs was next and he was all dressed up in what looked like Christmas pyjamas – even his parents were dressed like that. And then he decided to have a meltdown.

Even with the intervention of two elves and Mrs Claus the whole show quickly turned to custard. In my day…

For me, Christmas is a good time to kick back for a bit, unwind and reflect a little. I hope the holiday season brings you whatever it is it means to you and I’ll catch you in the New Year.

Christmas wishes rant over…