September 28th, 2020Kyle’s Rant

Travelling around the streets of the Central Highlands, with my windows wound up tight and the air conditioning on reticulation, for fear that someone will recognise me and want to have a chat, I have noticed a few folks miswearing a mask.
And so I have come up with a list of them, which has also been the inspiration for GROB’s front page of this edition. Now the list is in no particular order of intelligence or one’s need to breathe fresh air, take on sustenance or cater to addictions…so here goes.

The Flapper: This is the mask over one ear variety. These folks are ready to spring the other loop over their ear at a moment’s notice or if the police show up.
Your Doodle Is Showing: This is the tucked under the nose look, showing off all kind of proboscus. I mean, you wouldn’t get around in your Speedos at the local pool with your bits out exposed to the world, would you?
Who Turned Out The Lights: This is the classic where the participant wears the device so high, they can no longer see but their bottom lip is getting plenty of air – they generally look a little confused.
The Ambler: That sometimes not so fast-moving creature who is claiming to jog but is actually moving quite slowly. Vigorous arm movements don’t always equate to speed.
The Snood: This is where the player has a coffee cup in their hand, which may or may not still have fluid in it, but by the holding the perk trophy they are no longer bound by the law and their mask remains around their neck.
The Smugster: Then there is a gang I have found myself in while treading the backroads with nobody around and that’s the “I have a mask in my hand therefore I am wearing one”. Sort of like if a tree falls in the forest and no one sees it fall, did it really?
The Chuffer: That is where the citizen chooses to light a ciggie and needs to keep their mask well away in case it catches fire.
The Ding-a-ling: And the world wouldn’t be the same without the person on their mobile phone who believes either the people on the other end need to see their lips, or they don’t want to talk with a muffle. WTF?
Now, briefly, to the other end of the scale.
The Safety Officer: This is my OTT but preferred person who wears both a mask and a shield – and are sitting in their car, alone.
So for the flappers, doodle showers, amblers, lights-out brigade, ding-a-lings, snoods, smugsters and chuffers out there, please simply fit the mask over your nose and mouth, squeeze down the wire on your nose if applicable, and make sure you have a good seal around your nose and mouth.
If you can’t live without your caffeine, don’t wander around the joint while drinking it, spitting your bugs around the place. Simply find a quiet spot out of the way, drink your coffee, replace your mask and continue your day.
The same goes for the smokers, amblers, ding-a-lings and smugsters, simply do what you have to do by yourself in situ and while moving about among your fellow humans, put a mask on properly. As for the “lights out” mob, maybe we just keep you around for shits and giggles…
How to wear a mask rant over…
Check out GROB’s cartoon on the front page!